Tuesday, September 11, 2012

{Getting Real}

After a month in Portland, I’m back in Amsterdam. I arrived yesterday morning to gloomy skies and an empty apartment. Corey was at work and Henry hadn’t been dropped off by the dog walkers yet. I was already in a pretty bad funk, but the jet lag and the fact that I’d been really sick for a week and just flew 10 hours with an ear infection didn’t help. Work has been crazy busy and my trip home was packed full of activity. Lately it’s felt like I haven’t been able to shut my mind off. There are so many thoughts consuming it every minute of every day. That's not very weird for me, but it’s just that lately all the thoughts are conflicting and being at home really made me think about this experience (living abroad) and how I feel about it. It’s probably no surprise that I’m not really sure how I feel about it – some days I absolutely love it and feel like the luckiest girl in the world, then others I miss Portland so much my heart aches and I have an undeniable longing for “normal” life. This morning, when my jetlag woke me up at 2:30AM and wouldn’t let me go back to sleep, it was like I had been transported to one year ago when we had first arrived in Amsterdam. It felt dark and lonely. Foreign. I hadn't been home in 9 months and almost forgot what it felt like to be in the U.S. – to live in the U.S. Spending time with family and friends and having everything be so easy made coming back here really hard. Harder than I was expecting. So what did I do? I just started sobbing. Uncontrollably. The weight of this life so far away from everything I know and from so many people I love was feeling too much to handle. No doubt the lack of sleep and stress had everything to do with it, but let’s be honest, I needed a good cry. I’m feeling a little better now, although I’m very aware it’s going to take me a week or two to get back into the groove of things and feel like myself again. I hate to come back from my blogging hiatus on such a sad note, but this is real life for me right now. I’d hate for you all to think it’s always rainbows and butterflies over here – no no, it’s far from it. But when my mind feels clear I know that this experience is worth all the prices we are paying for it. We are blessed beyond measure.

On a happier note, I have truly missed this community so much. I wanted so badly to find the time to blog and read all of your blogs and comment on them, etc, but every day was so jam-packed I simply couldn’t find the time. Hopefully my schedule will allow me to get back on track the next few weeks – I have hundreds of photos from this summer to share! Thanks for sticking with me and sorry for the rambling today :)